St. Peter MN- Nobel Week is upon us, and we here at the Fourth Crown couldn’t be happier to take this time to sit back, relax, hide in our closets from the crowds, and still be the sarcastic assholes that everyone knows and loves. We know that Nobel can get kind of boring, so while the old folk, proud AP science high-schoolers, and disappointed STEM Gusties are stuck listening to some high falootin’ scientist talk about dirt, we are going to teach you how to put that dirt to good use. Here’s 10 ways for all you soil-lovers out there to really get your hands dirty that no “professional” could teach you.
- Dig a grave and bury yourself in it- We know you’ve been wanting to do this for a very, very long time. Grab your favorite shovel, build the Dracula coffin of your dreams, and be sure to throw your own funeral as you die in real time.
- Eat dirt after falling off the crane- If you thought scaling Lord Ca was fun, take it to the next level and swallow a mouthful of fresh, new Nobel soil after you plummet towards the ground and your fourth trespass warning this week.
- Just eat some fuckin’ dirt- Not really our style, but if you’re feeling generous go for it. Bake 12 yummy dirt treats and make the 13 members of your knitting club duke it out until the last person who “just ate dinner” caves and eats the dirt.
- Do the dirty during a Q and A Session- We shouldn’t have to explain this one, but things naturally get heated, so just please be a good Gustie/decent human being and ask your partner if it’s okay first.
- Don’t shower- Want to perform a fun social experiment? Just lay in your own filth as you sleep your life away, and you will learn how much your roommate really loves you by how long it takes for them to throw on their favorite hazmat suit.
- Become an Earth-Bender- Harness the power of the earth and just be the dirt.
- Build the dirt castle of your dreams- Tired of your shoebox of a dorm room? Go find a nice spot in the arb and embrace your inner HGTV Design Star as you design the new pad of your dreams that of course, includes a walk-in freezer for just pizza rolls.
- Start a garden- You should propose to your loved-ones that you will start your very own vegetable garden, but then get lazy and leave it is a perfect square of dirt with a few fake flowers sticking out of it. It’s beautiful, and the college way.
- Sell jars of dirt from “Chris Pratt’s lawn”- Want to make some big bucks? Start a fundraiser by jarring some dirt from anywhere and tell people you got it off of Chris Pratt’s lawn. You’re welcome.
- Have a dirt fight with your enemies- Has someone really made you mad in the last week? Did Karen from the dish-room steal your air-pods? Has someone exercised their use of “free-speech” in a poor way? Just throw a handful of dirt at them. It’ll feel real good.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS