CAMPUS NEWS

Supreme Court Zoo Welcomes Another Pig to its Collection

WASHINGTON D.C.- The honorable Supreme Court Zoo announced Saturday that it would be welcoming yet another micro-pig to pop a squat on its own seat beside other micro-pigs, a couple chill donkeys, a level-headed owl, and some elephants that run amok, unrestrained, “The Fourth Crown has conducted a comprehensive investigation of this new story.  To determine if this new pig is worth the commotion, we pawned our souls, booked a flight to D.C., and payed off some zoo guards to allow us entrance.

This new pig, otherwise known as “Squeeler,” is the 108th pig to be added to the Supreme Court Zoo since its opening in 1790.  There is no “real” documented evidence about this micro-pig’s past and habits. However, in his testimony to the American Zoo Senate (translation provided by the “Oink-o-reader 4200”), Squeeler mentioned that he likes to be fed a diet of beer and calendar pages from 1982.  When asked if this diet was unhealthy, Squeeler barked fiercely that we all had drinking problems of our own, and then, in tearful oinks, that we couldn’t prove him guilty of anything.

We then asked zoo-keeper Chief John Roberts why another pig was added to his collection, we were told simply that “it’s what the people wanted”. When we questioned Roberts about which people were asked about this decision, “ask the senate, or maybe that angry blonde boy on twitter.” Upon emailing the Animal Senate for comment, 49 elephants and one donkey responded that he was the best choice for animals everywhere, citing 60-year-old Mark Johnson, My Grandpa Gary, Al from the truck-stop, and the lack of repercussions for their decision.

While the people in charge of the zoo seem to be pleased with themselves, everyone else in the community is terrified about what’s to come with Squeeler’s new residency. In the 30 minutes that we spent in the Zoo court, we witnessed Ruth Bader Gingsburg getting squealed at for doing her job well, Squeeler lose his cool after Gingsburg called him out on his lies, and Squeeler even grabbing Dr. Carrie Board’s beloved pussy-cat from her arms, even after she said no, and ate it whole without asking first.

Like the decent humans we sometimes are, we asked Board if she was okay. “This zoo is too unsafe with Squeeler here and needs to be shut down,” said Board, “This micro-pig needs to be restrained behind bars or at least by a fence or something.  While many people laugh at Board and think that she is lying about her experiences with Squeeler, we at the Fourth Crown fully believe her and the other woman that have come forward about their experiences and will stand with them until the very end. To prevent chauvinist pigs like Squeeler from reaching high ranking positions within the Animal Government and our own, the Fourth Crown asks that its readers meet us at the polls on November 6th and vote for needed change within our government.

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