Aries (March 20-April 19): Look, Aries, no one has had a great 2018. In all, the year has been trash from beginning to end. We’ve all been so distracted by the news that no one has mentioned your new haircut, and I wanted to let you know that I see it. You look amazing. Do you dye your hair, or is it so naturally gorgeous? You have a secret, Aries, and it is your fabulous hair routine.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Every day we get closer to an endless nothingness. Like sheep, we all eat life’s grass and bleat to a crowd that doesn’t listen. How do we break free? Only you can guide the way. Only you can free us.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Hey, Gem. It’s been so long. Listen, darling, I miss you, and I promise that I’ve changed. I’m not seeing Capricorn anymore. Capricorn means nothing to me, babe. I swear on my mother’s grave. Give me another chance. I’m begging you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Last year, we didn’t have a horoscope for you guys, so this year I made sure to write one down. See, it is right… wait… where is it. Ah, fuck, I lost it didn’t I? Wow, this is so embarrassing. Why don’t you just share Leo’s.

Leo (July 23-August 22): Leo’s will annihilate the walking sins that are the Cancers this fall break. Don’t let them know about your predicted victory, or they will surely defeat you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Virgo, over fall break you should take a breath, read a book, go to the rock quarry, whatever makes you feel like you. Embrace the sexy, independent, hoard of crickets in a skin suit that you are.

Libra (September 23-October 22): You could do a lot of things over fall break, Libra. You won’t do any of them though, and do you want to know why? Because you can’t even choose what line in the Caf you want to go in. First, learn how to choose what you want for dinner, then you can make the big kid decisions.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21): Scorpio, this is an intervention. You need help. Listen, I know you’re angry, but we’ve all talked and we can’t watch you do this to yourself anymore. Please, we are begging you to stop watching Hentai during class. It isn’t healthy anymore.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You can touch the stars, Sagi. Only for a little while before you get burnt into ash, but you can still do it.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Let’s run away together, Capricorn. You and me against the world. I’ll get a divorce and we can be together. Our love is endless, Capricorn. I’ll never let Gemini get in the way.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): They’re coming. You better hide.

Pisces (February 18-March 19): I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. We. Are. Over. I’m done fawning after you, Pisces. I’m with Capricorn now (unless, of course, Gemini is listening. In which case, I only have eyes for you babydoll.)