CAMPUS NEWS

Trump Suggests Everyone Hire Armed Bodyguards

Washington- In light of recent acts of mass violence witnessed across the nation,  President Trump has suggested that everyone should just go ahead and hire some personal armed guards. He was quoted this morning saying,”the United States is home to the best, and we’re talking the best, security teams in the world, people. No country has better professional security forces, and it’s time that we embrace that as Americans. I love my security team, and I don’t know why anybody wouldn’t commit to hiring their own.” He continued, “sometimes, they let me pretend to shoot their kick-ass handguns, and I wouldn’t want any American to miss out on that opportunity.”

Press Secretary Sanders clarified later on that the President’s words had nothing to do with recently unveiled campaign donations from some of the most prominent private security firms in the country. She ended the conference saying, “the President would never let campaign donations influence his decisions. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even remember my name.” She then left the podium with a single tear running down her cheek.

It is unclear at this time whether or not more people will be purchasing the services of these private security firms, however, it is clear that President Trump will not be pursuing any other reforms anytime soon.

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