UNITED STATES OF AMERICA— Well, the results are in and the finalists have been chosen for the uniforms for the next American Civil War. It was a tight race with heated opinions from both sides, but in the great tradition of democratic voting in the US the results were chosen against the will of the popular vote by electoral college. Although the sanctity of our republic was nice while it lasted, it’s time to set the “DAYS WITHOUT FULL OUT CIVIL WAR” sign back to zero and embrace the upcoming fashion that every able bodied man will be rocking in the coming years.
The first look comes from the liberals and it can only be described as Monday morning woke. The distressed denim and graphic tee-shirt with a hard hitting, yet memetastic, political slogan printed on it will be sure to catch everyone’s eye on the battlefields of Ohio. The real details are where this look really shines. One can see the wokeness of the liberals in the easy-going, yet stylish cut of their Ye style shirts that they aren’t quite sure if they should wear anymore (at the end of the day, Kanye wrote Graduation, so what’s the hurt of a few White House visits?). Truly an exquisite design, and easily accessible on Etsy.com for two-hundred dollars.
Then comes the look everyone has been looking forward to since 2016, the Trump supporters, and, boy, did they deliver. Their uniforms pay homage to the Confederate soldiers— because there is absolutely nothing racist about styling oneself after people who started a war to keep their slaves— and include hand embroidered stitching of slogans such as: “Make America Great Again,” “Good People on Both Sides,” and “We are Literal Nazis.” These uniforms are cost effective too as they are all made in sweatshops overseas by the companies that are so vastly under-regulated that they can do almost whatever they want to without any consequences.
What exquisite work, and it will all be so durable on the battlegrounds come Wednesday morning. If anyone is unsure where their battle station is, you can find it by opening your phone, going into the Twitter app, and clicking on whichever post-election tag that hellsite lands on.
Stand tall, soldiers, and luck be to you.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS