ST PETER MN- The “Saturday is for the Boys” Federation of America released a statement yesterday saying that Becky “B-Swizzle” Bergman is the current front runner to win this spring’s annual beer-pong tournament. After President Bergman’s smashing success acing the hole in water pong during “Give to Gustavus Day” last Thursday, all the beer-pong stans have been left scratching their heads while they scramble to find where “B-Swizzle” fits in with campus-favorite teams like “Clifford and his Big Red Dog” and “PAs Gone Wild.”
While Bergman’s sudden surge to frat house fame may be a surprise to many on campus, her rise to power has been predicted for years by the OG pong fans. According to a dusty yet pizza-stained book entitled “The Histery of Dat Pong Swaaag,” Bergman has been killing it at the game of pong since the beginning of her time at Princeton College. This book includes eyewitness accounts of Bergman sending fellow Princeton grad Jeff Bezos to the hospital after a record 45-second long match, and how Bergman’s college peers suspected that she has to have been born with the alcohol-tolerance of Satan.
We sat down with Bergman over cupcakes and over-charged tea from the caf to ask about her secret of Success. “I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said Bergman “I guess my advice for all you amateurs is to kind of toss the ball and see what happens?” Bergman also demonstrated how to, if by chance you actually make it in, “properly pump your fists in the air like you just don’t care and still have that smirk of a mom who successfully got her kids sound asleep before her nightly wine and the 10 o’clock news update.”
Bergman’s competition is terrified of the idea of losing what little pride they have to this prodigy. One Sophomore Greek-Life member told us how he “can’t believe a woman like Becky B herself could potentially squash his victory.” He continued to cry to us about how he practices every weekend, has a biological advantage, and has even made several trips to River’s Edge in the name of pure dedication of the sport, but that won’t be enough to beat this Coors Lite zen-master.
While Becky B has denied our pleading requests for comments on who her potential pong partner is, anonymous sources say that Bergman plans on breaking beer pong tradition by going solo, as she is a strong woman who can do that kind of shit.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS