CAMPUS NEWS

Top Five Campus Safety Chases of 2018

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ST PETER MN- Another year has come to an end at Gustavus Adolphus College and boy are we excited to throw the shitshow of 2018 behind. While this year was full of meme-worthy political strife, it was also full of a record number of memorable chases between Campus Safety and students that we want to issue a formal apology for never writing about, until now. Here are five of the most memorable Campus Safety Chases of 2018 that had us saying “wow Kanye.”

  1.   The Drop of a Trench-Coat Left Campus Safety with a Sweet Surprise

January kicked off with an event that we all see on the daily.  Trench-coat wearing sophomore Dustin Jipman tried hiding a chocolate-chip cookie underneath their ice cream sundae.  However, those sharp-eyed cashiers were on to him from the moment he sauntered into the caf and had Campus Safety Officers ready to pounce when Jipman exited the line.  What Campus Safety wasn’t ready for was for when Jipman released the belt on his coat, releasing 1,000 caf cookies to the ground, giving Jipman the extra-head start as Campus Safety was left sliding around on extra-warm snickerdoodles in shock.

  1.   Using Her Resources Helped this First Year Slide Out of Campus Safety’s Grasp

The annual Case-Day showdown of 2018 took a slippery turn for the best.  First-Year Lola Sanchez was attempting to drag a light case of Natty Light from Old Main to Uhler when she was met with her greatest foe: Officer “Bluebeard.”  Thinking quick on her feet and with a sudden push of strength, Sanchez hurled herself towards Old Main Hill, using her case of cheap beer as her getaway car. “ Bluebeard,” attempted slide after her, but alas, the confiscated weed in their pocket weighed them down.

  1.   The Cabaret Emcee Used the Power of Self-Love to His Advantage

Soon after the memorable showdown between the Cabaret Emcee and Campus Safety back in March, the Emcee broke into Kresge Dance Studio to stare at himself in all the mirrors for positive self-affirmation after feeling guilt for the trouble he caused.  Campus Safety mistakenly found him later that night after the Emcee was fully-charged with confidence. Campus Safety was then chased out of the building purely from the belts of “life is a cabaret,” and “your biggest flaw is that you have to entertain yourself by searching for people to write up.”

  1.   A Gustie Greeter Makes an Unexpected House Call

Traditionally, first-years receive an introduction letter from their Gustie Greeter in August, but an unnamed Senior Greeter took his job too seriously and shipped himself in the mail to his Greetie’s house.  When first-year Liza Durn opened the large box, she was met with a zealous, one-man rendition of the Rouser, while the Greeter was met with a premature transfer of his Greetie and the first house-call to Campus Safety.  This led to a wild-goose chase around Minnesota back to the Monster-Energy Factory Greeters lovingly call home.

  1.   Puff the Magic Dragon Couldn’t Help This Drug Dealer Fly Away This Time.

While smoking her grass out in the arb, infamous campus drug-supplier Bella Tzatziki was met face to face with an unexpected Campus Safety Officer lurking in the shadows.  Tzatziki thought she was in luck when she saw an escape route in her favorite pet dragon named “Puff,” but Puff was just a figment of her LSD-laced imagination. In reality, Tzatziki attempted running, but just fell over from all of the mixed drugs in her system, giving Campus Safety their easiest incident find of the year.

 

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS