ST PETER MN- It has been more than just “a little gusty” across campus this week with temperatures reaching well into the Antarctic range. While most students have been utilizing their deeply, liberal-arts enriched brains to stay in and binge every season of Gossip Girl and gorge on cheap alcohol, some Gusties have been reported to have ventured out into the frigid air for even more wine, never to be seen by their roommates again.
While there has been no confirmed explanation for the disappearance of many Gusties, first-year Bridgid Meoper reported to us that she saw something suspicious happening outside her window Tuesday night. Apparently, her roommate Maddie Eysenhower had been gone for hours after saying that she was going out to get an ice-cream cone from the caf, and Meoper was worried. Meoper naturally peeked out her window to see if she could see Eysenhower coming but found Eysenhower frozen in a block of ice to the sidewalk. Before Meoper could make a move, she saw a sketchy white van drive up to Eysenhower, chisel her off the sidewalk, throw her in the back of the van, and drive off. “I don’t know even know what happened,” said Meoper before breaking into sobs, “this has to be karma for that one time I told Nemo to fuck off.”
While we were ready to blame Meoper’s story on some form of illegal substance, our photo guy Steve wandered into a Student-Life cabinet meeting looking for the bathroom and decided to stay to hear some juicy tea because that’s what we do. Apparently, the Gustavus Caf is going to start selling Gustie-Flavored Popsicles to help soften the debt of the Student-Life division. According to Steve, this cabinet decided that students have a hard time making friends in this cold weather, so they are apparently going to start selling “Gus-sicles” for 1,350 dollars a pop so people can always have a friend for any occasion. The head of the cabinet then giggled about how if they sell 80 of these “Gus-icles,” all order should be restored.
We sat down with Chief Financial Officer of Student Life Katie Fracker soon after over steaming mugs of cocoa to get more information about this new business venture. While she had no comment for our questions about the humanity and logic of this operation, she did share with our photo guy Steve our most pressing question about what flavors they would be offering. Apparently, students will be able to find four flavors of “Gus-icles” in the caf starting today including “Extra Bitter,” “Salty,” “Drunk’n Desperation,” and the good ole’ staple “Gustie-Vanilla.” Fracker also commented that “while Drunk’n Desperation is naturally going to the most sought-after flavor due to its mild alcohol content, there is constantly going to be a surplus of “Gustie-Vanilla because we gotta work with what we have.”
While the higher-ups of Gustavus Adolphus College think that this will be the short-term answer to all of their financial woes, almost all students feel differently. Sophomore Genghis Caldwell informed us that “even MSU wouldn’t do something like this,” and that he’d rather just “stick to his over-priced soft-serve from the caf.” Unfortunately, Caldwell had to catch his long-awaited safe ride and we had to cut the conversation short. However, as he waddled away in his snowsuit and blanket cape, we could hear muffled shouts of “people better pursue legal actions for this.”
If any Gustie has to venture outside the rest of the week, please wear your hat like your mother told you to, stay with your exit buddy, and watch out for anybody in white vans because that’s just common sense.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS