ST PETER MN-  This past Saturday was Case Day, the one day in the Gustavus Calendar year that the athletes on campus get to binge drink as much as they usually would without feeling as judged. Naturally, the Fourth Crown staff would not be able to partake in this day, as we can barely hold up our own body-weight and our arms have been mistaken for caf spaghetti noodles by Deb several times. However, we are committed to being #relatable to all of you, so we bought our t-shirts, cases of cheap beer, and waddled over to our photo guy Steve’s apartment in Arbor View to sit in a dark, dank room and see what all this hype is.

We hate to break it to you, but we barely made it through our case before getting lazy and giving up. Don’t get us wrong, the first can feel great, and the second can feel amazing, but by the time we got to the seventh, we started punching each other and just couldn’t push farther. We applaud the people who were able to get double digits, but we also wonder what planet these heathens are from. We just celebrate the fact that we beat the liquor store cashiers expectations. Suck it, Brian.

Now we will move onto the positives. First, this year’s Case Day shirt design was the bomb. We thought that the all of the rainbow letters on the white background paired with a smiling globe of the Earth, really symbolized the sense of diversity in Case Day participants that the Gustavus administration strives for. These shirts were taken to the next level of artistry after they were splattered with the vomit stains that came from the accumulation of our hard work, so much in fact, that these shirts can be hung in a museum as a piece of abstract art, or as an achievement of frat boy greatness. Our only complaint is that the merchants for these shirts kept the profits for themselves. With charging 20 bucks a shirt, and selling around 100, this money could have been donated to a charitable cause, like the CFs compensation, as they were held against their will to walk laps around their buildings and host events that only six people came to instead of having fun for once. We feel sorry for them.

Overall, Case Day was about as lame as a DIY event in the Courtyard. Next year, our staff will stick to binge-drinking the tears of despair from all of those we slander as we laugh watching people climb roofs and make poor decisions. Go Gusties.