St. Peter, MN — With record-breaking snowfall this February and no end in sight, Campus Safety’s “Safe Rides” program has made a major purchase for the hopeful benefit of Gustavus students everywhere: an entire Imperial fleet of All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) walkers.

“Yeah, these machines are equipped for conditions like we have been having here in Southern Minnesota. Hoth is nothing compared to what these bad boys will see here in St. Peter, but I’m sure this will be a significant step up from the mini-vans we have been using thus far,” said Campus Safety officer Sherman Reed.

Students seem to be excited, too. Junior Greg Meyer shared his feelings with The Fourth Crown, “Safe Rides took so long to pick me up from Bjorling Recital Hall, my one-month pregnant girlfriend went through her entirety of her pregnancy and birth of our child while I was stranded in the building.”

Courtney Gleason, sophomore, had other sentiments. “I really think this could be pretty sick. Can you imagine being trashed out of your mind on a Friday night and all you want is to get to Chapel View, but you get to ride on one of THESE? I might just bring my own grappling hook to show my cluster mates who the Alpha is.”

When we asked Gustavus President and Dictator of The Galactic Empire Rebecca Bergman for any further comment on the AT-AT Walkers’ arrival to campus, and she electrocuted two of us through the phone using the power of The Dark Side.

In the meantime, Gusties, please have any sort of lightsaber or laser gun, or any kyber crystal/plasma blade line of products ready to help you dig paths to your academic buildings, because it’s clear this snow won’t slow down any time soon.