SAINT PETER, MN- The registrar’s office announced on Monday that the Gustavus fight club that has been secretly meeting in the basement of “none of your business, go away” will now count for 0.25 Gustavus credits. The club has been active for at least five years, that’s when the first bloodied body was found on campus, at least.

The class will count as pass/fail. A failure to complete the class would occur if a student ended up in a dirty gutter with a broken jaw and permanent brain damage. Passage of the class occurs if a student does anything except end up in a dirty gutter with a broken jaw and permanent brain damage.

Concerns have been raised about the safety of the class. The administration recently sent out an email stating that it has no knowledge that the fight club exists. Several students then cited the registrar’s offices announcement, to which the administration replied “What announcement? What registrar? Gustavus has neither registrars nor announcements.” The campus conversation has since been silent.

Note* The writer of this article has been dishonorably discharged from the Fourth Crown and expelled from Gustavus since the time of writing. Please don’t ever talk about this.