CAMPUS NEWS

Democratic Presidential Hopefuls Play Smash to Decide the Nom

With only six-hundred and fifteen days until the election, the Democrats are searching for a candidate to lead the party to the White House and regain a sense of diplomacy and civility in politics, but with twelve candidates confirmed and a possible fourteen more on the way, the DNC chair decided to let a simple tournament decide who would lead the party in 2020.

Democrats will enter into the battle arenas of Super Smash Brothers Ultimate and let honorable combat dictate who would reign supreme over this great land.

It was a bloody day in the DNC headquarters. Buttigeg (D- Mayor of South Bend IN), Yang (D- Tech Executive), and Williamson (D- Author) were all defeated in the first round and sent to sit in the corner of shame to think about Independent campaigns.

After hours of heated words, passionate confessions, Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) yelling at her main Ness to “get his shit together” before throwing her controller at the screen, breaking it and ending the game. Silence swept over the room, only to be interrupted when Beto O’Rourke and former VP Joe Biden glided in on light-up Heeley’s, ice cream cones and a spare Nintendo Switch in hand. It was O’Rourke and Biden against Elizabeth Warren (D-OK) and Kamala Harris (D-CA), Link and Kirby against Peach and Inkling in the fight for who whose name would be on the 2020 ticket.

It wasn’t even a competition, in the end, it was just a display of pure power on O’Rourke and Biden’s side. They got all the drop items, the smash ball, and Biden’s years of experience Smashing. By the end, Harris and Warren were hanging on the edge of the platform, begging for a helping hand. What they did not remember is that there are no friends when it comes to Smashing, only enemies.

O’Rourke and Biden are expected to announce their duel candidacy soon.

 

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