Nemo Requests a No-Contact Order from Everyone

ST PETER MN- It has been weeks since any Gustie has seen Nemo, the infamous campus cat, strolling around Campus or in anyone’s room in Rundstrom.  While most people assumed that Nemo was probably frozen in an ice-block somewhere in the Arb, we’ve gotten word from the Campus’ newly formed “Finding Nemo” search committee that Nemo was in fact spotted on Tuesday strolling out of the Dean of Student Office.

Nemo is a busy cat, but he had the generosity in his heart to take the time answer our pressing questions about his current absence on campus. We learned that he was just leaving a meeting with a Title IX Coordinator about requesting a no-contact order with everyone on campus. According to Nemo, this no-contact order will go into effect this Spring after he comes out of his hibernation at an unnamed house off campus.

Nemo went on to explain that he has been sick of students “constantly picking him up, snuggling him, kissing him, and making him spend the night in various rooms on campus without asking”.  “I have my bubble too, I just wish people wouldn’t force me to drink tea with them as they cry into my fur about how Becky from Literary Studies told them their interpretation of Hamlet was BS and that their boyfriend may or may not have chlamydia.” Nemo doesn’t have the patience for this shit anymore.

“I don’t understand why Nemo has to be so irrational,” said disgruntled sophomore Alayna Johnson in a 30-line long post on Overheard at Gustavus. “All I want to do is snuggle and cuddle him in my dorm room forever; it’s not like he has anything else to do anyways.” “Fuck you”, commented Nemo from an undisclosed account.

While it is disheartening to some to see the Title IX Office taking Nemo seriously and following protocol, we do need to respect Nemo and his bodily rights as the Campus Cat. Campus Safety will be asking anyone seen breaking this contract to promptly leave campus and never return.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS