SAINT PETER, MN- The Gustavus student retention rate has reached an all-time high of one-hundred percent this year. According to students, this is due to the fact that they are “literally trapped here forever”.

A rumor has been circulating around campus that the absurd amount of snow and sub-zero temperatures are actually a ploy by the administration to keep students on campus. No evidence has been found to prove this, but several students have claimed to see President Becky Bergman sacrificing a lamb to the snow gods.

“I was planning to transfer to St. Olaf this spring”, said Sophomore Kenzie Spelman, “but after trying three times to start my truck, I just decided to stay here. I don’t like to make a fuss.” Several more students have had similar stories to share. Prospective student Andrew Hughman and his mother have been living in a tent in the visitor parking lot since his tour three weeks ago.

Come mid-April, the transfer is rate is expected to reach back up to nine percent, or whatever it was before the eternal winter hellscape which we may or may not ever escape. Good luck, Gusties.