SAINT PETER, MN- The long-awaited cinematic debut for Captain Marvel has finally arrived, and by god this movie straight up fucks. Brie Larson who plays the hero herself could have stepped out of the screen and punched me in the face. Brie Larson and any member of the audience will attest to this, could murder us all, and that would have been heavenly.

Captain Marvel is the kind of movie that pumps adrenaline in your blood, makes you want to throw on some Gwen Stefani, and have Brie Larson dislocate your jaw. The only thing that could make this movie better was if there was a tabby cat with a silly, yet cute name. Oh wait, there is one. His name is Goose, and his soft orange head is more powerful than the Thanos could ever dream of being.

Back to Brie, that woman could break every bone in my body, and I would beg her for more. Step on me, please, Captain Marvel, I beg you. Every human being deserves to get utterly railed by that movie and receive the delicate aftercare that is the end credits scenes. Discover your inner-sub, watch this movie, and have a happy International Women’s Day.