ST PETER MN- The Gustavian Weekly’s segment “Gustie of the Week” is a sought-after honor by many over-achieving Gusties who are into that sort of thing. Multiple reports have been heard of people fighting to the death with Karen from Bio for this prestigious title. While many Gusties of the Week are able to keep their chill enough not to annoy everyone around them, sounds of explosions were heard from the Caf yesterday when recent Gustie of the Week Blaize Nijinsky’s head got so inflated that it went “boom boom” all over the caf floor.
We sat down with senior Mary-Anne Johnson, supposed instigator of the explosion, to get a better idea of what the fuck happened. Apparently, Nijinsky and Johnson were feasting on burritos in the caf when Johnson congratulated Nijinsky on his recent Gustie of the Week article.  When Johnson mentioned that it was so cool that Nijinsky is President of five obscure campus clubs, did a volunteer project once, and is a Greeter, Johnson witnessed Nijinsky’s head start to rapidly inflate.  “It was like that scene from Alice in Wonderland where Alice starts to get really huge after drinking that trippy stuff,” said Johnson. “But then, his head just kept growing until his brains were everywhere like Zombieland.”
Early this morning, the Weekly advisor, Travis Wahl, released a statement about what actions they will take to ensure this event will never happen again. “I mean, it’s just a newspaper article in a paper that no one ever reads, and there isn’t any money involved, so I don’t get why people get so excited about it.” Wahl then went on to outline how he wants to change the Gustie of the Week program so that the recipient just receives a single fun-size Hershey Bar with a note that says “U a Cool Cat.” According to Wahl, this will get the point across, but it won’t give the recipient enough attention from others to create any more tornadoes of mass destruction at Gustavus.