SAINT PETER, MN – This just in on the renovation process of the Lund Center: operations have been halted due to a secret chamber, a “chamber of secrets” perhaps, being discovered beneath the pool deck.
“We were fearful of the construction team finding our secret chamber,” James Cracken, head swim coach, shared with The Fourth Crown. “We have been harboring swimming alumni down there for decades.”
It turns out that this secret chamber is actually an experimental project headed by Cracken and the swim team staff. The purpose was to see how long it would take a swimmer to grow gills and fins if they are kept in a mostly aquatic, dank, terrifying chamber in the underbelly of Lund.
“Unfortunately our project has been indefinitely terminated until we can find a way to do this more “ethically” and with “proper channels” and with a “better understanding of how adaptation and evolution works,” commented Lily Reese, assistant swim coach.
Athletic Director Tim Green shared his sentiments with TFC over the phone the day of the discovery, “Hey…Anything to get us another MIAC championship. But I am appalled at the conditions that we found down there.”
When The Fourth Crown staff went to explore this chamber, they found Keystone Light cans everywhere and it seemed that all of the alum that were in the experiment didn’t seem to know they WEREN’T in a swim house party. More information to come as it arises.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS