Student Senate Filled With Sexual Tension

SAINT PETER, MN — Spring is in the air, which means new relationships are blooming! It seems that everywhere around campus the spirit of new beginnings has taken hold, and our very own duly elected Student Senate is no exception. Sparks were absolutely flying at the Senate meeting on this past Monday night, and it looks like this might be a relationship that lasts!


It’s clear that nearly a year’s worth of consistent meetings have made these student representatives a bit closer than any of us would have expected. Even the Student Senate Advisor, JoNes, couldn’t help but notice the romance in the air. “You know, I never knew that forced weekly assemblies would be so charming and sweet. There were flowers, chocolates, student complaints about basic existence on campus, the whole works. I feel like a whole new woman,” JoNes commented.


The Senate Co-Presidents Jennifer Reid and Talia Hansen shared their side of the story, “It was honestly pretty hard to get through. Reps were constantly making flirtatious and sexually explicit motions, and they kept adding more and more amendments until we thought our bills were about to burst. Every time we called for a vote on anything, the campus center was filled with the voices of senators screaming, “Yes!” At one point, a few senators tried to get up from their seats so that they could ‘continue doing things, but next to the Cabinet,’ and we shut that down right away. It was very strange. JoNes was levitating and smelling cartoon flowers like she was Pepe Le Pew. I’m not sure what was going on in her mind, or anybody else’s for that matter; we just wanted to create more off campus housing options.”


It is unclear at this point whether these romantic vibes will stick around when we all return from Spring Break, but based off of the events of Monday night, if they do, it won’t be long before a full-on orgy breaks out. Here’s to Spring romance and hopes for some summer loving!


Categories: CAMPUS NEWS