SAINT PETER, MN — A prescribed hunt has been declared on campus for the increasing population of football players currently on campus. Javelin throwers on the track and field team have been hired as contract killers to hopefully thin out the herd so that there is more room in the Lund Center and cafeteria for other students.
“It’s all about resources,” said Cafeteria Manager James Green. “We cannot keep feeding this insane amount of giant dudes. The track team has probably twice as many people on their team, but half of them are the size of 7th grade boys, so it’s more manageable.”
When asking around Lund Center about the prescribed hunt, some students were delighted. Sophomore Alex Thompson let us know his thoughts, “I have not seen inside the weight room in the two years I’ve been here because it’s chock full of football players. It’ll be a nice change.”
Other folks, however, are not fond of the prescription.
“What the fuck?!” responded head football coach Pat Hogan when we informed him of the news.
The javelin throwers are not excited either, as they will be charged and jailed for committing multiple counts of first-degree murder, but said that they have to do what the Athletic Director says.
More updates to follow.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS