ST PETER, MN- The Fourth Crown Staff has spent most of the summer visiting the college-kid fashion capitals of the world— London, Paris, your mom’s couch, and not St. Olaf, people watching as an attempt for staff development. Unfortunately, this turned into us getting kicked out of Europe for being “too weird even for Americans.” While our excursion was mainly unsuccessful, we did learn one thing: wearing lanyards around your neck or dangling out of your pocket, even if you are a silly first-year, is so last year. That’s why we as The Fourth Crown have spent the last few weeks lab-testing on our photo-guy Steve to find all the new, child-proof ways to utilize your precious Gustavus lanyard when you come to campus this Fall. Follow these six tips if you want to be the coolest cat in town and hang with the big dogs (us).
- Loop it around your ankle and play “Skip It”
Bored on your long walk from Co-ed to Convick, or do you just want all eyes to know your name as you stroll through the Campus Center? Simply loop your lanyard around your ankle and go to town as you try to hop over your flimsy ID holder all the self-respect you have left. Just be careful, as sometimes the lanyard likes to pull a fast one and fly off of pale Minnesotan ankles, and we don’t want you to be known as the poor chap who gives the Becky B a black eye the one time she comes out of her bat cave to talk to students.
- Hypnotize Your Enemies
Are you pissed off because Karen from BIO 101 borrowed your pencil and never gave it back? Have no fear; just corner your enemy and channel the only thing you learned in first-year orientation by swinging your lanyard back and forth until they are “asleep.” Then, have as much fun as you want to wreak havoc on their dignity as you make them wait on you hand and foot and force them to do a little monkey dance.
- Turn into A Helicopter and Fly Far Away
If you aren’t ready to be back on campus, no problem! Simply put the lanyard around your neck, but this time spin it around and around like you’re hula-hooping. Keep doing this for a few days, and then in no time you will be floating in the air and flying to Canada or somewhere with a healthier political climate.
- A Sexy Role-Play Prop
Our grandmas read this, so we won’t go into too much detail. All we are going to say is that a lanyard is a saucy little number that can be used to dress up or down any scenario that your kinky little heart can desire. If you have two lanyards, the more the merrier. We highly recommend using a lanyard to complete any of your Three Crowns Challenge desires.
- Lasso Some Cookies Right Under Deb’s Nose
Everyone knows that year after year Deb secretly harnesses the power Gustie tears to level up the intensity of her eagle eye stare. With your new cookie lanyard-lasso, you’ll be able to dodge the penny-pincher herself and channel your inner cowboy as you pull those little doggies straight into your mouth. Just be ready to run straight after you try this one, as we found Deb is faster on her feet than a drunk first-year getting chased by Campus Safety and will take you down if you don’t act fast.
- A Make-Shift Leash to Steal Nemo
We don’t need a sketchy Tarot Reader to know that this one will be the most popular trend this Fall. When our favorite Campus Cat doesn’t want to follow you into your dorm room, just loop your lanyard around his neck and tug him along against his will anywhere you please for snuggles and cuddles. Your friends will love you, Nemo, not so much.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS