ST PETER MN- Recently Gusties were welcomed back on campus with an array of office relocations, with Career Development and Res Life switching spots and the Peer Assistant’s Office adopting an all too cheery name that sounds like one of your mom’s jazzercise videos. This switch has left many Gusties more confused than that one-time Becky Bergman was seen rocking the Macarena solo at Wednesday Karaoke night. If the entire campus wasn’t already bamboozled, one office has decided to make it their goal to keep puzzling students on the daily.
The Title IX Office has announced that starting next week, the whole office is going to keep moving locations, hiding from each new student seeking out their services. According to an email sent out to students with the subject “Timely Funcast,” the Title IX Office will start in their new location in the Board Room, but when a student attempts to seek them out for help, they’re going to run like the wind and move their whole office to a new spot anywhere on campus. While they can’t disclose where they’re moving because they want to remain anonymous, they plan on leaving decoys like negative statistics, vague wording, and false promises of justice to cover their tracks.
We sat down with the head of the Title IX Office to try to understand why the fuck they’re doing this. According to the head who wishes to remain anonymous, “we heard that Gusties choose Gustavus because they want to have a rich, challenging learning experience. Therefore, we want to continue challenging Gusties to keep this up.” The head refused to say more, and we just sat in awkward silence before we gave up on advocating for ourselves.
While the Title IX Office thinks that they’re giving every Gustie what they hope and dream for, 99.9% of Gusties on campus are less than impressed. “Why would I want to be challenged and make things difficult,” said senior Communications major Jenna Daley. “I was totally supportive of Caf Delivery last year when I was too lazy to walk two minutes from Uhler to the caf for my luke-warm chicken strips, so why would I want to be challenged now?” Daley then broke out in sobs, and we tried our best to be supportive even though we wanted to cry too.
While we were told no Timely-Warnings were to be given out anymore because any computer genius could figure out where they are being sent from, we highly suggest any first-year to maybe give this pressing issue a look for their Public Discourse class. As for everyone else, join the Fourth Crown writer Steve’s new Hide and Seek club to brush up on their seeking skills to bring some justice to this campus.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS