SAINT PETER, MN— After the controversial split between Marvel Studios and Sony Pictures, the fan-favorite character Spider-Man lost big Disney money and went back to the desolate Sony lands. The web-slinger lost the high life of having rich friends like Tony Stark, T’Challa, and Thor who could pay for his meals and now has to live in a world where a sweaty, jobless Tom Hardy and his black goop boyfriend look towards him for financial stability. In basic terms, homeboy is broke. As he swung around the country in a depressed funk, Spider-Man saw a sign, a calling to make his life count for something now that his dreams disappeared into dust faster than half the universe, or a Gustie who had Nemo reject their attempts to cuddle away their existential dread. That sign was a craigslist ad for a new mascot after Gus the Lion lost all professional composure and broke down crying in the salad bar.
“I’m grateful for the opportunity,” Spider-Peter Parker-Man said in his new black and gold suit with ‘Make Your Dead Father Figures Count’ embroidered on the back. “I just really need the money right now. They never tell you how hard it is being a superhero when the studio that paid for nearly one hundred percent of production costs has to deny Disney’s— which is basically a monopoly at this point— insulting offer that they will take fifty percent of the profits from the Spider-man license and end up bankrupting a major studio, so they will inevitably make Disney their sugar daddy. Yeah, it can get pretty rough.”
Needless to say, our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man will be sitting in on some classes about socialism this semester alongside his moral building duties!
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS