Aries (March 20-April 19): There is a secret message written across all of time and space, it lives beyond the modern constructs of linear thought, and the religious would call it the Word of God. It is a detailed list of instructions that device the universe’s greatest plan. You cannot read this message, but the person who will one day murder you can.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): It’s rumored that once a year a lion mascot absorbs another Gustie’s soul and that Gustie becomes the entity we know as Gus the Lion. Now, we’re not saying that we know who has the honor of becoming our school’s most holy figure, but we’re very happy for you.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You are a clone made from DNA of your older self, and you’ve been sent to assassinate said older self which turns into an action-packed game of cat and mouse, all while you try and deal with your newfound…. Wait… hold up… that’s the plot of Gemini Man. Looks like we lost your horoscope this month. We’ll work on finding it immediately.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): You’re actually a Libra this year-round. Sorry about the confusion.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Do you remember Tom from your parent’s bowling league? He was the guy who dressed like a 50s cartoon and always smelled like cigarettes and white out. Yeah? Tom dies this month. You’ll feel nothing.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): At the end of the day, remember, life is all about three things: family, friends, and the current twitter meme.
Libra (September 23-October 22): Nemo is watching you. We aren’t sure why, but I’d keep an eye on the situation.
Scorpio (October 23- November 21): Sadly, you still aren’t actually a scorpion, so we’re going to have to call September a bust. Better luck in October, friend.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Rebrand yourself, Sagittarius. You only get to live once so why not get expensive body modifications to implant horns and a tail onto your body. Become the seducing devil you’ve always wanted to become.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Capricorn, I’m not going to lie, but I’ve always felt some deep connection between us, however, I can’t endorse killing Aries. They seem nice, and, listen, I know that you’ve discovered a vast, ineffable message written in the stars and the black space in between that says you have to kill Aries, but that doesn’t mean that you Have to kill Aries. Think about it. I’m not saying that you should go against your divine purpose, but just remember that they do have a car, so you wouldn’t be able to go to the Mankato Target without them. Think it through Capricorn, and maybe stop mumbling curses with your eyes rolled back, it’s off-putting.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): You know 😉
Pisces (February 18-March 19): In the end, there will only be one of us, and I have been training for years now. Prepare yourself, for you are already far behind me in skill level.
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