ST PETER MN- Recently on campus, many Gusties have been accustomed to seeing horrifying images of Nemo feasting on the carcasses of the cute bunnies and squirrels of our Disney fairytale dreams like they’re some pot-head’s Tide Pod dinner. While these terrible sights have made many Gusties fight tooth and nail to obtain a coveted Counseling Center appointment, reports indicate that the situation has escalated. Nemo has moved on from innocent woodland creatures and has refined his tastes to the tender meat of stressed-out Gusties.
Recently, Nemo has been spotted attacking every Gustie he sees, feasting on their arms and legs like a very Hungry Hippo. Nemo has been seen lurking in whatever foliage he finds, and as soon as he sees a Gustie shed a single tear, he appears seemingly ready for a cuddle session, but then makes his surprise attack. According to a book found in a dusty corner of the Lib’s rare book room called “Nemo: A Guide to GAC’s Cult Icon,” in order for Nemo to withstand all the snuggles and Caf chicken strips thrown at him, he needs to harness all the powers of pure Gustie blood like Edward from Twilight on crack.
We sat down with first-year Gemma Robinson, who lost both of her legs to an unfortunate Nemo encounter. “Yeah so I was walking in the arb ranting to my mom about how my roommate eats all my goldfish and constantly screams at my Amazon Alexa to play Despacito,” Robinson tells us. “Then suddenly, Nemo pounced on me from the top of a tree and took me to the ground!” Robinson shared how she tried to put up a fight, but Nemo chomped her legs off before she knew it and sashayed away with them.
We tried to reach out to Nemo for a comment, but all he sent back was a letter comprised of glued pieces of a Gustavus lanyard and BIO 101 textbook that said, “you little fuckers are next.” The Fourth Crown advises all students to stock up on frost-your-owns and cheap beer and take shelter in their dorms until Nemo’s owner retrieves their god-damn cat.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS