5 Tips On How To Prevent Pumpkin Smashers This Halloween

ST PETER, MN – With October right around the corner, more and more St. Peter families are starting to get into the Halloween spirit and are planning on how they’re really going to spend it this year. Of course, Halloween would not be complete without some dick high schooler going around with his friends and destroying some gourds that a family lovingly carved. Well, this year you won’t have to worry! With this list, you’ll be able to bid those assholes a farewell!

  1. Fill your pumpkins with rocks! When the troublesome teen goes to stomp out the life of your poor defenseless pumpkin, he will instead be pleasantly surprised with a shattered ankle! This will give your pumpkin one last hoo-rah before their squishy demise.
  2. Ask your neighbor for help! Do you know that pedophile that moved in next door? Get him to dress as a pumpkin, have him stand in your front lawn, and let him ask those kids if they’d rather smash him instead! WARNING: CHILDREN OTHER THAN PUMPKIN SMASHERS MAY BE TARGETED, USE WITH CAUTION.
  3. Happen to know one of the pesky teens going around and causing a ruckus? Stalk their Facebook to see what’s happening in their life. With your newly acquired information, carve a portrait of their recently deceased family member onto the largest pumpkin you can buy. They won’t miss it and will be filled with remorse over how their family would think of them if they knew they were doing this.
  4. Slather your pumpkin with yogurt! Not only will this give your pumpkin a spooky effect, but it also looks like jizz! No teenage boy surrounded by his friends would openly touch something that might even suggest that they’re gay (unless they’re very supportive but come on, they’re smashing pumpkins, there’s bound to be some internalized homophobia within the group).
  5. For all of the Dexter fans out there, place a human head wearing a pumpkin mask on your front step! Not only will you get rid of that useless head that’s just been lying around, but you can also frame the kid for murder when they destroy it! It’s a win-win!

With these tips, you’re guaranteed to have a happy, safe, and pumpkin-filled Halloween. Until next time, Gusties!

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS