SAINT PETER, MN— A freshly tenured, cool boy Professor made a stir at Gustavus this week by annoying he would be removing the participation grade from his class grade breakdown. Thrilled by the concept, students began to pull out their phones and stream Love Island, but before they could get click the Hulu app, the Professor dashed their hopes and dreams by installing an even more ballbusting, sweat-inducing method for ensuring that his students remained present throughout his lectures. He announced that he would begin to carry out mandatory Vibe Checks.
“I’ve got the idea after a student showed me a meme of Eric Andre surprising Hannibal Burris with a ‘Vibe Check.’” The Professor said, chillin’ in what he described as a ‘hip’ Supreme branded leather wingback chair. “The kids love it, and it reminds them that we’re on the same level and that I really get them. I’m down with the memes, hip with the sauce if you get my drift.”
The first class mandated Vibe Check occurred on Monday morning to the GAC student Eve Hansen. In the middle of a lesson on quantum relativity, the Meme King Professor shouted at her that she would be Vibe Checked. The shout shock Nobel and sent students flying up from their seats in shock, but not Eve Hansen. He stared into her eyes. They were bottomless voids filled with absolution. The longer he stared into them, the louder a low-pitched droning sound became; it resonated from inside everyone in the room, a sound that the religious would have called the untranslated voice of God. A technicolor wash came over the room that gained the appearance of a distant daydream, only seen in the dreams of children and forgotten instantly. It was horrific, but he felt the peace that comes with the acknowledgment of one’s own insanity through her. A tear fell from the Professor’s eye, and he finally understood. He understood Everything.
Mandatory Vibe Checks will once again resume after the Nobel Conference, and other Professors will also begin to implement this change in their grading rubric.
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