SAINT PETER, MN— Spirit Halloween, a trademark piece of Spooky Season iconography. The yellow, black, and orange banner stands as a comforting symbol splashed over the faint remnants of a long since removed Toys-R-Us sign. No person between the ages of five and thirty-five can resist the psychic pull that Spirit Halloween has over them, like a mime pulling someone towards them with an invisible rope.

A trip through Spirit Halloween begins simply with a wonderful assortment of pop culture costumes. When walking in, a customer is treated with the beautiful view of horrific Pennywise animatronics that, in true Spirit Halloween fashion, have literally been worked to death. Luckily, they added a sign that makes Pennywise look like he decided that his next big role would be to star as the Joker.

As one moves further in they are graced with costumes that will make every make every nerd say “oh hey, that’s neat.” Costumes range from the few loose Marvel and DC items thrown together as if shelved by a tornado to the surprisingly vast Assassin’s Creed selection. Because when people in the age of games like Fortnight, Red Dead Redemption, and Untitled Goose Game, the true gamers want to hit up Coed’s Halloween party dressed up as Ezio Auditore da Motherfucking Firenze.

However, as the wonderful land of pop culture fades away, the land of the stereotypical begins to emerge. It’s a nightmare in the back of Spirit Halloween, and not the seasonal spooky kind, more like the kind that your racist, sexist uncle would call a dream. Racist costumes of every marginalized race imaginable hangs from their walls, and only the simple question of “couldn’t they simply not stock this horribly racist costumes year after year?” Then there are the revealing female costumes with titles that are sometimes genuinely clever, such as this masterpiece:

However, a hero emerges. A costume that any and every himbo in every city across America should be required to wear every Halloween until they die. Students of Gustavus, I present to you the best Halloween costume ever made:

So, this year, why not send a message to Spirit Halloween through their social media or website asking for more costumes like Ed Banger and less that are just racist portrayals of Native Americans.