“I literally sold my kidney for a parking space last week,” said Sophomore Kristine Wilson, in reference to the newly emerged parking space black market. “A first-row spot in the plex parking lot for a kidney is a fair trade these days. I can’t get enough of that sweet sweet parking space. I’m never moving my car again.”

Reports like this have become common in the past few weeks. The lack of student parking has driven many to desperation, much to the benefit of illegal-market parking space traders. “I literally emptied an entire gas tank driving around campus to find a spot,” an anonymous First-Year said, “until I eventually traded my family’s vacation home in Florida for a spot by Coed.”

Little is known about what is being done to improve the situation, but what is known is that GAC parking lots have become a multi-million dollar industry.