SAINT PETER, MN — Campus Safety, the beloved heroes of the Gustavus community, have recently been losing face after a series of unpunished crimes occurred on campus.  They were unable to apprehend a variety of criminals in the past week, ranging from a group of elusive St. Peter street sign swindlers, to a prankster with paint who renamed the O.J. Johnson Student Union after an undesirable former football player, and even some “devious lickers”.  This was the last straw for Campus Safety, who have since pledged to crack down on crime.  

With this declaration, Campus Safety has introduced their new SWAT unit, designated for identifying, locating and apprehending the delinquents roaming our campus.  The new unit will be issued riot gear and fully automatic carbine rifles loaded with black and gold rubber bullets for disabling criminals.  The SWAT unit will patrol the Gustavus campus 24/7, ensuring maximum security for the good people of our community. 

Campus Safety plans to continue utilizing student employees to fill this new division of their ranks.  The recruits will be subjected to two weeks of intense basic training in order to prepare them for the job, where they will learn the basics of reconnaissance and espionage, how to carry and discharge a firearm, how to disable an opponent in one-on-one combat, and how to negotiate hostage situations.  Campus Safety has also invested in a fleet of armored black and gold Lenco Bearcats, which they hope will send a message that Gustavus has a zero-tolerance policy on crime.

The SWAT unit has been a great success so far; after their introduction last week they have already apprehended and detained a sophomore student.  After receiving a call about a suspicious smell coming from a room in Sorensen Hall, the SWAT unit was dispatched.  Upon arriving at the scene, the SWAT unit wasted no time in breaking down the door and quickly identifying and disabling the suspect, sophomore Colin Parkinson, on the ground with their tasers.  The SWAT unit disarmed a lighter and a joint from the suspect and proceeded to quickly and efficiently take the suspect into custody, where he awaits trial for his actions.  Parkinson commented “It’s just really weird getting broken in on, tazed, pinned down and arrested by someone that you went to chemistry class with earlier that day.”  We also spoke with first-year Jackson Summers, one of the student employees recruited to the SWAT unit. Summers said that “Physically and relentlessly enforcing justice across campus while working towards a degree in environmental studies has been a really challenging, yet rewarding experience.” Overall, the establishment of the SWAT unit has been a huge success that undoubtedly is contributing to a safer campus.  More updates to follow.