SAINT-PETER, MN — Gustavus, like many liberal arts colleges, proudly supports both the fine arts and scientific fields, reveling in the beautiful connections that the two seemingly opposite worlds of thought bring to our institution. However, after recent events involving sophomore art student Caligula Jones and three buckets of Cadmium Red Acrylic paint, the college is rethinking its stance on the Art Department.
While working on their final piece for their Painting 273 course, Jones began having “visions” of renowned 19th century impressionist Vincent Van-Gogh. “He came to me around my fourth hour of being in the painting studio. He basically told me my painting would be miles better if I felt the paint inside me too. Who am I to say no to Vincent, man?” Feeling the artistic juices flowing, Jones took some generous guzzles of their nearby jumbo red acrylic paint bucket. “I originally wanted to do yellow, ya know, like Vincent, but he told me the red would make me feel ‘spicy hot hot’, and that sounded creative enough for me.” Close to three liquid gallons later, Jones promptly vomited on their canvas and passed out.
Alerted to the sound of bodily fluids hitting canvas, Campus Safety arrived at the scene. Jones’ stomach was pumped and they are currently resting at Rivers Edge, on a strict diet of white rice and prune juice to soak up the remaining plastics in their digestive system. While Jones remains adamant that Van Gogh came to them via creative epiphany, Campus Safety’s investigation points to other reasons. Assistant Director of Campus Safety Chris Gilbertson stated “the kid had all the windows shut and no ventilation. The freaking chemicals from all the paint and hoohah had them going loopy! Their name isn’t even Caligula on file, they said Van Gogh demanded they get an ‘art name’, it’s loopy!”
Despite the medical (and maybe creative) setback, Jones still turned in their piece prior to the deadline. “I actually really loved the organic splatter and depth of Caligula’s…er..piece. I gave it an A for the creative process overall, they really committed to the artistic practice” states course instructor Betsy Byers. We at the Fourth Crown wish Jones a speedy, paint free recovery.
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