Cokehead Business Major Refuses Vaccine: “We Just Don’t Know What’s In It!”

SAINT PETER, MN – In a Fourth Crown exclusive interview obtained at the Flame last Friday evening, a junior business major laid plain his views on the apparently controversial COVID-19 vaccine. 

After consuming several beverages of an undisclosed nature, our Fourth Crown field reporter encountered an exceptional scene unfolding before their eyes. After entering the bathroom in the hopes of pissing out their three-too-many beers, a picture of snowy white lines of crystalline joy (totally never even thought about coke I swear) inhaled rapidly off of that porcelain thing that washes hands was thrust upon our reporter. The scene’s subject, a third-year business major. His name? Didn’t get it. Knowing a phenomenal subject when they see one, our reporter sprung into action, forgetting their overpriced buzz, and asked the most important, and for some astoundingly stupid reason, controversial question of our day. 

“Are you vaccinated against COVID-19?”

To this our eloquent subject had much to say, first a loud and firm “Nah”, followed by a phrase we’ve all heard far too often uttered from the lips of Facebook, 4-Chan, and locker room warriors. 

“We just don’t know what’s in it!”

Following this profound and obviously original statement, another stretch of overpriced cocaine was suddenly and violently snorted into the nose holes of Brad Chadson (50% chance that’s right). Observing that this master of business had not properly sanitized his coke platform prior to use, our reporter was left confused. A curious contradiction of words and actions no doubt. 

Wishing to avoid further subjection to the dizzyingly complex thoughts of this energetic Flame patron, our reporter kindly thanked him for his time, to which Chad Bradson replied:

“Ay no problem my guy! And hey, stay safe out there.”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS