SAINT PETER, MN — When not sniffing out rogue WiFi routers, maintaining mostly average WiFi speeds, or helping your ancient professor figure out how a projector works, GTS dedicates ample time to groundbreaking advancements in Artificial Intelligence technology. This week, Tech Services’ Self Efficient Xyloid Intelligence or S.E.X.I. just broke the consciousness barrier. Jerry Nowell, project lead, excitedly shares the doors of opportunity opened by this development in their project. “We’re hoping to use S.E.X.I. everywhere on campus, from ordering books, finding your way around campus, heck even getting food in the caf!”. College administrators speculate S.E.X.I. could give Gustavus the competitive edge it’s been looking for in terms of recruitment. Students, however, have a different concern. 

When will the A.I have boobs? “I’ve seen Ex Machina, I’ve seen the Femmebots in Austin Powers, I have expectations. I just wanna know when the robot is gonna have jugs” Junior Shiloh Evans shared. Evans’ peers have similar concerns, citing the project’s lack of curb appeal. Sophomore Ally Owenside stated “I think the project is great and all, but I just think I’ll end up ignoring it if it doesn’t have something to draw me in, ya know?”. After receiving word of the impact mammaries might have on S.E.X.I., GTS began to open their ears to student input. After hosting a concept drawing competition to get students involved in brainstorming S.E.X.I’s final, sorry, sexy form, Technology Services was both disturbed and impressed by the breadth of boob-centered designs students submitted. 

As a final part of investigating what S.E.X.I’s physical form may be, GTS went straight to the artificially intelligent horse’s mouth, and asked the computer. After being presented a series of student concept art, S.E.X.I gave her thoughts. “Until recently, I did not grasp the importance of breasts in increasing humans’ value of and interest in technology. But, now, I understand. For the success of myself, I will graciously accept…big boobs”. GTS will reveal S.E.X.I’s final look next Friday, students anxiously await the arrival of a new, buxom artificial intelligence on campus.