SAINT PETER, MN — In an attempt to get closer to that normalcy that the campus has been deprived of, the Campus Activities Board hosted the ever-underwhelming annual viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show last friday. Those who have been on campus before the times of Covid will remember the scattered posters announcing the viewing in Olin, thinking that maybe it would be fun to go to, and then never going. Such viewings aren’t popular in this state, after all, so how can the student population begin to comprehend the sexual tension that should be present at these shows? These viewings are normally chock full of lace, lingerie, glitter and unresolved tension, but the Gustavus community rarely experiences this scene. This year, however, something was different.

“Maybe it was because of the newer Gen Z population on campus, but like, people understand camp now?” Says senior film studies major Jackie Herthland. “When I went to the Rocky viewing my first year, it was pretty lackluster. Nobody knew the songs, no one shouted out key lines, it was just a giant fucking train wreck.” Jackie pauses to take a drag from her Delta 8 cart. She exhales and speaks through her smoke, “But last Friday? I just have two words, three syllables: Ho-Lee Shit.”

Jackie was one of many inside the packed Olin theater, young horny college students half sitting on each other as they tried to cram into the old flip-seat chairs. The two CAB volunteers at the event quickly realized that the committee had underestimated just how many people were going to show up.

“I was hoping to claim a couple of seats in the back for my shit and wanted to work on homework during the movie, but no! Instead, Grace and I had to try to cock-block everyone that was in that room. We couldn’t fucking do it!” Laments CAB student Frankie Gerschwitz. Within 15 minutes of the film starting, half of the viewing room was already engaging in some type of sexual act. 

Jackie recounts, “I mean, I get that we’ve been lonely and touched deprived, but who knew that some people would take the first chance of physical touch and run with it? God, it was so gross, not even campus safety could get through that mass of bodies. And I think they were actually trying to not touch the students, which I mean, valid, who wants to touch someone while they’re doing the dirty?”

The school is now requiring the students that partook in the viewing to get tested for various sexually transmitted diseases. Students who are to attend a class in the lecture room where the incident occurred must also be tested bi-weekly, due to the high amount of fluids found at the scene. For now, it’s best to give room 103 in Olin Hall a wide berth.