SAINT PETER, MN — Everyone’s favorite former Financial Aid Director Doug Minter has been sorely missed since his retirement last spring. Students long for the opportunity to publicly cry in the Campus Center main hall after a tense meeting with Doug, and the Financial Aid Office admits to there being a truly unfillable, Doug-shaped hole in their hearts. 

Amidst the campus community’s pining for Minter’s anxiety-inducing presence, folks had begun to notice strange happenings around the Campus Center building? Scratching, rustling, and bumping seemingly from behind the building’s walls combined with missing food and drink from the Market Place and toilet paper from the restrooms led Campus Safety to believe there is a squatter stalled up within the Jackson Campus Center. 

After receiving permission to excavate a portion of the buildings wall, Campus Safety was shocked to find none other than Doug Minter surrounded by empty Chex-Mix bags and gatorade bottles. “In all honesty, I thought we were going to find a squirrel or a raccoon if we were lucky. I nearly messed my work slacks when I came face-to-face with Doug. He still gives me the heebie-jeebies and I never even paid him student loan money” stated Campus Safety Officer Jeremy Strahl. 

After being apprehended for illegal residency, Doug confessed why he was living inside the Campus Center . “I’ll admit, retirement really lacks the power I had and the discomfort I loved to spread. So I figured if I couldn’t get my old job back, I could at least listen to people remember all the things I used to bring to this campus.” Apparently, despite having to sleep on old insulation and only being able to walk freely at night, Doug loved the closeness he felt to the Gustavus community. “I’m pretty sure Doug eavesdropped on my mom telling me she’s divorcing my dad, I heard someone mutter something about ‘that’s gonna impact your FAFSA’ from inside the walls” states Junior Myra Collins. Other students share similar situations of feeling like someone unseen was listening to their conversations. 

Despite his dedication and love for his job, Doug has been indefinitely banned from campus. Physical Plant has been tasked with filling the Campus Center walls with negative student-feedback comments to deter Doug from ever returning to these hallowed halls. The Fourth Crown reminds you to check your own walls for unwanted roommates!