SAINT PETER, MN — As more and more students returned to the hill for the fall semester, the familiar issue of parking reappeared. “I got a spot in Co-Ed during the first week of training camp in August,” stated soccer player Julian Kavinsky. “When I need to go home to the Twin Cities I just bike, ‘cause there is no way I am moving that car.” Kavinsky went on to claim how he was going to keep his diamond hands while waiting for the parking spot to appreciate before selling, believing it had potential to go “to the moon.”
Disgruntled Gusties have been unable to find a spot to park on campus for weeks, and many are becoming hopeless that their 2003 Camry will ever find a home on the hill. Among these students is Carson Pecker, a sophomore resident of Sorensen Hall who recently took drastic measures to earn one of those elusive spots. The sophomore decided to sell his soul to the devil himself for a parking spot in Plex. The King of Hell had acquired a few parking spaces from previous negotiations with desperate Gusties.
“I know that I probably got ripped off, those spaces are going for a lot more than just some random sophomore’s soul” stated Satan. “I heard about a kid last week that sold his family’s vacation home and his left kidney to another kid for his spot in Co-Ed”. Pecker was happy with the deal and claimed to have no regrets. “It’s a luxury getting to walk outside everyday and see my car right by the building instead of over at College View or Big Hill Farm,” said a relieved Pecker. “I’ve never even used my car in my two years here, but if I ever do I wouldn’t want to have to walk far to get to it.”
Pecker’s transaction with the Prince of Darkness has inspired his fellow Gusties to make similar deals for parking spaces. Freshman Sophia Wachowski agreed to take care of the laundry, homework and meal payments for her friend Eliza Farrow for the school year along with a cash payment of $3,000 in exchange for her parking spot in Coed. But undoubtedly the most outrageous settlement of them all was when sophomore Vivian Wendell traded two Gus Bucks for a spot in Plex. “I really don’t know if it was the right call,” said a worried Vivian. “Everyone knows that there are no words to describe the untold value of a Gus Buck, but I just made a decision in the heat of the moment.” Stay tuned to find out if this intrepid sophomore made the right decision. More updates to follow.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS