CAMPUS NEWS

Bookmark Reports Drop in Lanyard Sales: First Years “Raw-Dogging” Student IDs Between their Butt Cheeks

SAINT PETER, MN — We’ve all seen it. A poor, unassuming first year, oversized backpack weighing them down, gigantic caf tray in hand and a shining, jangling lanyard tinkling around their little necks. We cringe for them, we snicker behind their backs, but most of all we thank God we outgrew that phase. A rite of passage, we have all briefly rocked a freshly minted lanyard with our unfortunate student ID around our necks, but this fall, first years have caught on to the lameness associated with lanyards and an interesting trend has resulted. 

Molly Yunkers, manager of the Bookmark, has reported a major drop in lanyard sales compared to previous fall semesters. “Typically we see about 80-85% of the first year class at least purchasing a lanyard, if not wearing one. This year we’re down to about 45-50% of the first year population walking away with a lanyard. It’s troubling to say the least.” stated Yunkers. We admit there are many options beyond a lanyard for storing your student ID. Consider your wallet, pocket, phone case, the list goes on. However, students have stumbled upon a new trend for securing your I.D. known as “raw-dogging”. 

The basic physics of raw-dogging one’s student ID is mildly disturbing. “Yeah basically, you just slide it between your cheeks inside your pants and it’s really secure. Never gonna lose that bad-boy” shared first year Evan Drawlings, the self-titled “creator” of the trend. At first Drawlings’s friend group were the only students touting their newfound I.D. storage, but slowly more and more students caught on to the perceived benefits. First year Anna Swarang stated “I really love the fact that I always know where my I.D. is AND I feel confident no one is going to want to steal it from me. You’d have to be a real freak to try and nab someone’s raw-dogged I.D.” Although we at the Fourth Crown are deeply disgusted by this development in the first year class, we’re just glad we don’t have to see it. 

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