Whoa! Becky Bergman Solves Racism, Sexism, & Climate Change; Will Homophobia be Next?

ST. PETER, MN – Over the past several years, the Gustavus administration has worked tirelessly to remedy some of the largest societal problems the world experiences. From the creation of countless deliberation circles to the 14-hour long online DEI training, it’s clear that Gustavus has put much effort and consideration into their work on these issues. Most recently, GAC has concluded that the environmental catastrophe affecting the entire world is solved, mostly due to their five yellow compost bins placed around campus. We all know that being “zero-waste” really involves the creation of ungodly amounts of trash that, theoretically, could be composted if the college actually understood that the compost must be actually composted.

Most recently, the college has concluded that the issue of sexism has been solved. With mandated reporters stationed around campus, those who have experienced sexual bias, harassment, or assault can feel comfortable reporting their trauma to their work-study supervisor or perhaps the men’s hockey coach. When filing a Title IX, students are comfortable in knowing that their abuser can no longer play for their D3 sports team, a truly crushing blow. As shown through their effective Indigenous relations work, GAC firmly believes in reconciliation rather than punishment, and therefore allows those with Title IXs to remain in the same courses with those they traumatized.

While some may argue that this policy protects those with Title IXs, Title IX coordinator Julianne Watterson defended it, stating that “[the college] just wants everyone to get along. If we can provide students with opportunities to connect with those who’ve offended them, then we’ve done our job.” Students should feel comfortable knowing that such a team is working tirelessly to make students solve their own problems.

After seeing their administration completely solve so many critical issues, the student body waits anxiously for the college to tackle homophobia, a prominent issue on campus. With the passing of Coming Out Week, many students were left disappointed by the lack of a complete remedy. 

In an interview with The Fourth Crown, one senior Classics major had the following to say regarding on-campus attitudes towards homophobia: “Y’know I really appreciate the college giving us the rock to spray paint rainbow, that really boosted our spirits, but I just wish that the Reds would stop repainting it red every night.” 

Throughout Coming Out Week, several students could be seen praying in front of the Carlson Administration building, hoping for an act of divine intervention from Becky in the struggle for LGBTQIA+ equality.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS