Gustavus Gaslights Students by Claiming to be #3 in State for Dining Services

SAINT PETER, MN — Have you ever gotten food from the Caf that didn’t live up to your expectations? Or gotten a plate filled with steaming, tantalizing chicken tenders, only to have them go completely cold by the time you sit down to eat? We at The Fourth Crown are here to say that you, dear reader, are not alone. Hundreds of students across this campus agree that the food served at the Market Place needs some serious readjustments.

“Something is in that taco beef.” sophomore Roger Serene states. Something that makes your stomach hurt? “No, like some-THING is in the taco beef,” warns Serene, “It twitches when it thinks no one is watching, but I saw it, alright. I only get beans in my burritos now, seeing that monstrosity nearly turned me vegan.” 

Serene is not the only student to come forward with accusations of sentient food. First year student Nicole Tchewskie could barely recount her experience with the cup of coconut milk yogurt she bought without gagging. “Have you ever seen the movie Venom? It’s like, when a symbiote is outside of a host, and it’s a mass of wr-*hurk*, wriggling slime? The yogurt was… moving. Like that. Oh God.” Tschewskie ran towards the bathroom after giving her statement, clutching her stomach and mouth.

The Fourth Crown reached out to the dining service for any comments regarding the accusations, but they nearly kidnapped our reporter to have them work in the kitchen. The desperation of the dining service this year is palpable, with the labor shortage affecting even the student-based workforce that the serving stations are reliant on. Kevin Birr has reportedly been sending smoke signals to recruit more workers, taking dumpsters by the loading dock and lighting them ablaze, using aprons to fan the smoke. 

When trying to get comments from the student employees who work in the kitchen, The Fourth Crown reporters were met with shifty eyes and a rehearsed phrase, repeated by everyone. “I don’t know anything about that. But hey, did you hear that our food is number three in the state?” More to follow as the story unfolds.

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS