5 Tips For Discreetly Puking On The Gus Bus

As the weather cools, more and more students are relying on the Gus Bus for a ride down the Hill. The long-running transit system, operated by Minnesota River Valley Transit, is a staple on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday nights, ferrying intoxicated Gusties to and from house parties and bars. But in recent years, Gusties have been repeatedly chastised for their improper behavior while riding the Bus–public alcohol consumption, drunken hostility towards drivers, and alcohol-induced vomiting. In 2018 Minnesota River Valley Transit threatened to cease operating the Gus Bus if the spewing continued, citing an increase in cleaning costs and driver dissatisfaction. But after a pandemic-induced hiatus, the Gus Bus is back for the 2021-22 school year. In order to preserve a treasured Gustavus institution, The Fourth Crown spoke to several frequent riders and compiled these five tips for puking discreetly on the Gus Bus:

  1. Spitters are quitters

Junior McKenna Paterson said her chosen method for hurling on the go is to keep her mouth firmly closed until she disembarks. “We’ve all been there,” she said. “That last vodka cran just isn’t sitting right and the driver is making turns like he’s in NASCAR.” If you do throw up, Paterson advises, just swallow it. “You have to take one for the team, otherwise you’ll ruin the Gus Bus for everyone.”

  1. Blame it on someone else

Charlie Wyatt told The Fourth Crown that he actually avoided expulsion from the Gus Bus earlier this year by blaming his pile of puke on an innocent bystander. “The driver was pissed, so I just pointed at the guy across from me and said I saw him yak,” Wyatt recounted. “He got kicked off but I’m told I made it to the Flame.” 

  1. Scream to distract the driver

You can’t get caught if nobody sees you vomit. If you’re feeling nauseous, have a friend scream as loudly as possible while you relieve yourself. Bonus: a distracted driver may crash the bus, which will also help you fly under the radar. 

  1. Use your mask as a vomit receptacle

One of the major benefits of mandatory masking on the Gus Bus is that you have a convenient, portable throw-up repository. Just be sure to neatly wrap and dispose of the mask when you’re finished, and you’re good to go!

  1. If all else fails, black out

“It’s embarrassing to get caught throwing up on the bus,” says senior Logan Talbot. “I can usually avoid that post-yak embarrassment if I’m blacked out before I leave the house.” For even better results, ensure that everyone else on the bus is also irresponsibly hammered. “It’s fool-proof.”

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