CAMPUS NEWS

Caf Introduces Purina Pro Bright Mind Chicken & Rice Kibble In Last-Ditch Effort to Raise Grades

ST. PETER, MN- In response to truly dismal midterm test scores across campus, Dining Services is trying its hand at improving academic achievement. Students entering the cafeteria over the past few days may have noticed that a new serving station has been added in the back corner of the marketplace. After some ingenious brainstorming, several complicated legal maneuvers, and a massive donation by Purina, Dining Services finally got the expansion approved. The new serving station, The Kennel, will be serving “Petco Inspired Cuisine” every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

“The dining staff is very excited to introduce Purina Pro Adult Bright Mind Chicken & Rice Kibble. It really enhanced the mental longevity of my dementia-struck Pomeranian at home and I think it could do great things for the students here,” says Student Dining Leader Laura Tompkins. “We’re eager to see how this new diet could impact students in areas like memory, alertness, and achieving a healthy, shiny coat”.

Surprisingly, students here have taken to the new option, with lines out the door in front of The Kennel. “I mean, what else am I gonna eat here? The noodles again? Give me a break—at least this is different. Although, to be honest, I’m more of a Blue Buffalo type of guy ” remarked Sophomore Tom Beaveson while he waited in line.

To receive their meal, students are encouraged to use the newly re-introduced Gustie Ware—containers that some have noticed are suspiciously similar in shape to dog dishes—and into which a carefully measured one-third of a cup will be slopped.  While the price is a bit higher than the other meal options in the cafeteria, coming in at $25.00 a scoop, students seem willing to pay it, at least until the newness of the Shredded Blend Chicken and Rice wears off. 

To see how the kibble will affect grades, one will have to wait until finals. However, different effects are already making themselves visible with a rash of squirrel chasing injuries being reported to Health Services and an increase in public defecation. All in all, The Kennel is a promising, new option that’s worth a try, even with your rapidly diminishing caf balance. 

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