ST. PETER, MN — The results are in: on Thursday, October 28, Gustavus raised $12.5 million, barely crossing the threshold necessary to sustain another “Give to Gustavus Day” in 2022.
“Next year we plan to add a VIP experience for our top-tier donors that will include free access to a communal vat of queso dip, as well as a rubber ducky dump dunk tank,” said Buster Birp, Keeper of the Golden Gustie Treasure Chest. “We felt that these donors should be rewarded for their generosity. So now, instead of paying just so they can feel better about their vapid, cheerless corporate lives, they will be paying to participate in theme-park inspired activities – fun for the whole family!”
Although some critics of the fundraising event (including the IRS) have voiced some reservations about discrepancies in the Gustavus accounting system concerning the massive donations the college has received, Birp dismissed these claims. “Clearly, they are just spreading bad vibes,” he said with a scoff. “What we want to focus on is joy, positivity, and profit. Excuse me, I meant profundity.”
Speaking of the financial breakdown for this year’s events, Birp stated that $200 went toward making sandwiches for donors, while $100 was spent on advertising. An additional $5 funded a commemorative plaque for John P. Sackweiller, who spent $30,000 to have his name inscribed on a stairway railing in Olin Hall.
When asked where the other $10 million raised by last year’s event had been spent, Birp blushed, laughed, and asked in turn if it would be funny if he shotgunned his water bottle. Before waiting for an answer, he did so.
“Pretty impressive, huh?” he said after splurting a mouthful of water onto his desk.
Following another request for more detailed information about the spending for this year’s fundraiser, Birp stated that he had “important work to do” and fumbled around in his desk for a letter opener, which he brandished menacingly.
While it might remain a mystery where all the money went this year, one thing is certain: you won’t want to miss the ducky dunk tank and the complimentary queso in 2022!
Disclaimer: This article is sponsored by the Give to Gustavus Committee. Its author was not forced to write it under duress or threat of force, especially not by a trio of swim team dads armed with tire irons and sharpened toothpicks.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS