If fall break has shown students anything, it’s that having two days off is not enough time to efficiently recover from stress. The state of the world has moved past “Dumpster-Fire” territory into a “Plane-Crashes-Into-Your-House” type of feeling. It doesn’t help that the windchill spontaneously decided one night to drop and freeze everyone’s privates off. The big S.A.D. is creeping in, campus life is not slowing down, and students are feeling the drain. “There has been an increase in counseling appointment requests as the semester continues,” says Counseling Center Rep. Gillian Higgy, “and we really can’t take everyone at once – students have to learn how to handle their issues! Have you ever considered that our counselors have problems too?”

With the lack of concern coming from supposed areas of support, The Fourth Crown would like to give some tips for managing an over-stressed mindset:

1. Breathe a little deeper than normal

Breathing! You do it all the time without thought, but did you know that counting your breathing helps to calm your brain down? Try breathing in for 40 seconds, holding for 3 minutes, and breathing out for 2 seconds. With this method, you can relax into a deep, unending sleep and ease your stress-ridden consciousness.

2. Dump your emotions onto your professor to make them feel bad

If it worked for your college applications, then it will most likely work in the classroom! By throwing your fucked-up mental state in your professor’s face, you remind them that they are part of the cause. The guilt they’re faced with will have them try and remedy the situation, giving you some leeway in handling your course materials. A little guilt-tripping never hurt anyone!

3. Go missing in the Arboretum 

As Becky said in her Monday Moments email from October 25th of fall break, connecting with nature heals the mind like nothing else. Go for a week-long camping trip in the Arb to reconnect with the earth and don’t tell anyone! You might have to move camp to avoid being spotted, but the exercise of hiding will be a rejuvenating one. The disconnect from society will help clear your head, and when you choose to re-emerge, you will be greeted with open arms and love. Some attention can go a long way in making you feel better!

4. Realize that this existence is temporary

Recognizing your own mortality can make everything else seem small in comparison. Can’t stop thinking about that paper that’s due in 2 weeks? Think about how your Grandma used to be a 20 year old who didn’t have to deal with this shit. We’re just funky little people living on a funky little rock. Are we aliens? Why were we the ones chosen to evolve? Should we collectively devolve so we can go back to eating, sleeping and fucking exclusively? These thoughts bring us to our next and final tip,

5. Do heavy drugs 

Can’t be stressed if you can’t remember what you’re stressing about, right? Bonus points can be applied if you’re still high when you get to class the next day. After all, if you study high and take the test high, then you’ll get high grades! A senior by the name of Davis Jensen shared that little secret with us.

This semester has sucked. Everyone and their ESA knows it, and everyone has mutually agreed that we’re in the same shit-show as everyone else. Reach out to your friends if you are having issues, and please try to survive until December. Remember that we, The Fourth Crown, love and support you in these trying times.