ST. PETER, MN – As temperatures drop and winter fast approaches, colleges around the nation have begun gearing up for the hockey season. Fans of the sport can look forward to the fast-paced play, rowdy audiences and a never ending barrage of obscenities flung at the away team’s mothers. Here at Gustavus, the varsity team is by far the most recognizable, drawing the largest crowds and the oldest students ever known to be on campus. For those 26-year-olds who aren’t quite ready for D3 hockey, the club team at GAC represents a valuable backup. Demanding only a small fee of $2500, this option is a lifesaver for all disappointed players in search of a nice tilly with the boys.

“Y’know I was really fucking pissed when Coach cut me from the team, I mean, what were those six years of juniors even for? But then I heard about the club team which got me really amped, at least now I can get drunk as hell on Saturdays with an excuse” said 24-year-old first-year Blake Bjorgegorg.

Any Fourth Crown readers who’ve ever set foot in a hockey locker room can attest that these spaces are almost always accompanied by mediocre attempts at comedy, most often uncomfortably racial in nature. Who knew that these dancers of the ice were such talented comedians, so skilled in the art of the jest that they thought it appropriate to tackle one of the most controversial comedic genres of all time. Perhaps if GAC hockey focused a bit more on their plays, rather than their “comedy”, they’d actually win a game for once. 

As in all their behaviors, the GAC club team mimics this varsity trend quite strongly. Students are certainly aware of this trend, as seen in the consistently low attendance of the club team’s games. “Yeah, honestly that doesn’t surprise me. Isn’t the club team, like, just JV Racism?” said Geraldine Flemingson, a senior finance major, on the subject of the club team’s off-ice behavior.

As in all aspects of club hockey, players can be comfortable knowing that they’re still only second best when compared to GAC’s varsity team. While this may be upsetting to some, players should take solace in the fact that they only have half as many Title IX’s and COVID-19 violations.