SAINT PETER, MN — A shocking report released yesterday by The Fourth Crown revealed that the majority of Gustavus students don’t actually read the damn articles we write, and instead just like the Instagram post or show it to their friends for a quick laugh. In fact, an anonymous source revealed that you probably aren’t even reading this article. And while we here at The Fourth Crown appreciate that you guys think our jokes are funny, we don’t just write headlines.

“Our staff spends hours every week slaving over their computers, thinking of jokes to put in their articles, staying up until 3 AM drinking Monster and photoshopping President Bergman’s face in various places- only to have no one actually read the fucking article that they wrote,” said one of The Fourth Crown’s co-editors-in-chief. “It’s heartbreaking for most of them.”

The report also mentioned that liking or commenting on the Instagram post, while appreciated, does “jack shit for our bottom line,” and recommends readers to “please just take a minute out of [their] day to read the article we spent so much time writing.”

“We do this for free,” said the other co-editor-in-chief. “The least you ungrateful fucks could do to show some appreciation for our work is to just read it. It’s not hard. I promise,” they continued. The report closes by imploring Gusties to go back and read some of the older articles they once laughed at, as “the articles are all still there on the website. It doesn’t just magically disappear whenever you close the tab. For the love of God, just read them.”