ST. PETER, MN – As the fall semester continues, Gustavus students are experiencing record-high levels of stress and anxiety. “There’s a level of distress right now that can’t be solved by CAB giveaways or even Pause 4 PAWS,” says Hannah Godbout, director of the Gustavus Counseling Center. “But it’s understandable that everyone is miserable,” Godbout added. “I mean… everything is literally terrible. All the time.” Others on campus have also noticed that students seem to be more distressed than usual. “Before this year, I never really had many students crying in class,” says psychology professor Lauren Hecht. “Last week I walked in to see four people openly sobbing, and class hadn’t even started.” 

With only limited counseling appointments available and diminishing supplies of Gustie-themed stress balls, administration has turned to unconventional support services to address the burgeoning mental health crisis on campus. “We’re giving everyone a fuck ton of pot,” says Dean of Students JoNes VanHecke. “Everyone just needs to chill the fuck out.” According to VanHecke, any student experiencing mental health issues can now get their own free stash of marijuana whenever they feel like it. Students will be able to openly smoke anywhere on campus under a new policy allowing ESBs, or Emotional Support Blunts. And the BookMark has already revealed plans for a new line of black-and-gold bongs, coming to shelves next month. 

Junior Steven Newhouse is one of many students excited about the new initiative. “It feels like the administration is finally listening to our needs,” Newhouse shared. “If we can’t have mental health days, balanced workloads or a functional course registration system, at least we can have some quality reefer.” Stella Clarke, a sophomore, is also in favor. “My roommate is kind of an uptight bitch, so I’m really hoping the weed will get her to unclench.”

Gustavus officials hope that by providing free weed to students, they can mitigate the sale and consumption of contraband drugs. But some staff members are frustrated with the new policy. “We know you little shits sit behind Plex and get high every hour of the day,” said Campus Safety officer Scott Meyer. “And now I can’t do anything about it. Are you happy?” 

Students, faculty and staff can pick up their pot at the Information Desk during business hours.