ST. PETER, MN – “It said 12 minutes to-go three weeks ago. Now it says 14 minutes left. Tell me how this makes sense.” 

This frustrated sentiment from a first-year was one shared by many throughout the encampment that popped up outside the Pittman laundry room. Students here have reportedly been waiting several weeks for a washer to open up. With seemingly no other choice, awaiting students have been forced to resume Ancient Greek-style city building. 

Civilization in Pittmapolis has progressed rapidly, contrary to most student’s perception of the residence hall. From the humble beginnings of a lone student determinedly scrolling Tik Tok, the city now includes housing complexes, a public market and even several outlying agricultural communities located near the vending machines. During the evening on holy days, marked by the return of the machines maintenance workers, religious services are held where cups of detergent are poured over the machines as sacrifices to the gods. In yet another demonstration of their cultural development, a currency has been developed in Pittmapolis, consisting of Tide pods (most value) to lint (least value) and can be used to purchase artisan goods, such as felt dolls, condom balloon-animals, and dryer sheet origami. 

Most intriguing though, is probably the governmental system that has been set up, a complex and honestly nonsensical fusion of Communism, Libertarianism, and Capitalism, that a resident political science major assured The Fourth Crown was “too advanced for the average person to understand.” 

In an interview with The Fourth Crown, a first-year on her way to the public bath voiced her opinions on the lengthy wait times. 

“Honestly, most of the washers are done, we all just have such strong social anxiety we won’t move the clothes to a dryer,” said Bebacca Rergman, the filthy first-year in question.