ST. PETER, MN – Yesterday, an anonymous source claiming to be from the Campus Activities Board reached out to The Fourth Crown with a shocking revelation: Gus the Lion, the fabled mascot to thousands of Gusties, is actually just a CAB employee in a lion costume.
The source also revealed that the costume lies in CAB’s office in the Gustie Den until CAB events, before which a person (usually different from year to year) dons the suit to greet and take pictures with Gusties, wearing extra attire depending on the event. “It’s almost comically absurd when you think about it,” said senior political science major and Gustavian Weekly reporter Graham Walton. “The idea that our mascot, Gus, who never blinks and actually stands on two legs, could be a human pretending to be a lion. Actually- wait, I think I can see it now. Oh my God.”
“I know it’s probably true, but I still just don’t believe it,” said Sarah Fakename, a first-year InsertMajor. Fakename continued, claiming that “it’s like how we all know that the letter Q is objectively unnecessary and should be removed from the alphabet. We all know it’s true, we just don’t want to believe it.”
Early this morning, President Bergman sent out a rare email to the community-l alias confirming the news to the wider campus community. President Bergman claimed that she was “just as surprised as everyone else” and openly wondered “how the fuck [CAB] kept this under wraps for so long.” Actually, she didn’t, but it’s not like you’d have read it anyway.
In reaction to the news, a group of students has been silently protesting outside of CAB’s office in the Gustie Den, demanding answers from the organization and preventing the terrified “employees” from leaving. In a desperate plea, one protestor asked our reporter “what else are they hiding from us? We want answers!” Another added that “last month it turns out that Linnaeus is a bad guy. This week Gus the Lion is a fraud. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that Alfred Nobel created dynamite or something. Wouldn’t that be crazy? But I guess that’s just the world we live in.”
In advance of publishing this story, The Fourth Crown reached out to several CAB members, including the co-presidents and the operations manager, for a comment. All declined. Updates will follow.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS