ST. PETER, MN – The Sexual Assault Response Team, more commonly known as SART, has long been an essential campus resource for all students. Recently, SART has determined that they were not fully communicating their purpose and mission on campus.  To refine their image for the Gustavus campus, SART has added harassment to their mission statement, questionably rebranding themselves as SHART.  

The change has come with a very mixed reaction across campus, with some even taking the matter in a humorous way.  “We think that adding harassment not only reaffirms our mission but also broadens our horizons to encompass everything in the sexual assault territory,” said Kelli Miller, a SHART representative.  “I don’t know why people are laughing about the new name, it’s honestly really disheartening how insensitive some people can be about such an important organization,” Miller continued.

Along with a new name, SHART is also beginning an advertisement campaign around campus, detailing how to best use SHART’s services.  The campaign includes posters with slogans like “I just SHARTed!” and “Time to SHART!” to reflect that all students can use these services any time that they need to.

In addition, SHART is currently recruiting new student employees to work as SHART officers.  They launched a similar promotional campaign for recruitment, with various “We want YOU to SHART!” posters being spotted around campus lately.  Nonetheless, there are still those who see the new name in a humorous light.  Many Gusties have made fun of and provoked the new name, attempting to mock and bring shame upon the beloved organization. SHART officials have reported several prank calls to Campus Safety, with many callers claiming that they “Really needed to SHART.” Other pranksters have engaged in TPing SHART’s offices and putting up their own posters around campus that say “SHART: Gas Followed by Mass”. The meaning of said posters has yet to be determined; however, The Fourth Crown’s research team is currently looking into it.

Despite the backlash, SHART says that, with their rebranding, they are ready to move forward as an organization built on the foundation of assisting Gustavus students in whatever way they can.  Just remember Gusties, the next time you feel a little uncomfortable, you might just need to SHART.  More updates to follow.