ST. PETER, MN – We all know them, the roommate who proudly checks “Direct Communication” on the roommate agreement form at the beginning of the year, and assures you that they “love being open and honest”. But as the year rolls on and they realize they actually have to, ya know, share a space with another person and compromise on things, you learn that your seemingly well adjusted roommate is actually just a big stinky baby who can’t tell the difference between being asked to clean up after themself and a personal attack on their character. 

Give up all your hope of having a clean fork to eat dinner with, because this roomie can’t help but blubber at the thought of touching a sponge to their sullied dishes. Feeling like someone’s always watching you? It’s your roommate sulking over that thing you did that you have no way of knowing upset them. 

Unfortunately, these roommates are more common than you might think. So common that Reslife has created specific protocols for dealing with them in the event of a housing issue. “We’ve developed a highly specialized approach to dealing with these whiny bastards,” says Reslife assistant director Danny Sandberg. “We essentially…hire them to our staff so they can live alone. We think they make excellent CFs since they can’t do anything else.” Ever wonder why your CF is intolerable? Here’s your answer. 

The Counseling Center is also offering group therapy to victims of these charlatans who flagrantly espouse healthy communication. “Talking it out with other people who’ve had to deal with this bullshit was so nice,” said Jane Janeson, a sophomore classics major.  “My roommate this last year literally vomited on the floor because she was so upset I asked her to pick up her dirty socks”.  If you have suffered at the hands of a whiny bitch baby roommate who has never taken responsibility for their actions, the Fourth Crown is here to tell you that there is help available and you’re not alone.