CAMPUS NEWS

Bust of Carl Linnaeus Releases Anti-Woke Comedy Special

ST. PETER, MN – “Folks, I’m gonna be honest with you here,” said the bronze bust of Carl Linnaeus, teetering behind the microphone, “I’ve been cancelled.”  The phrase, clanging out of the metallic mouth, was accompanied by an uproarious response from the sold-out audience of Linnaeus’ new stand-up special, Swede in Limbo. Reportedly, spectators began to wail and tear out their hair in clumps, which they flung up to the stage in wild tribute to their hero, the founder of scientific racism. 

The bust, which depicts a frumpy, fecal-looking Carl Linnaeus, was once known for detracting from the natural beauty of the Arboretum at Gustavus Adolphus College and significantly lowering prospective students’ desire to attend said college. Recently, it was disgraced and removed from its original post in October following accusations of racism in the work of the Swedish scientist it represented. Although the College had plans to melt it down into lumpy alfredo sauce for the Caf, it was reportedly stolen by a rogue maintenance worker who muttered an incantation of racial slurs to grant the bust sentience. 

“Nowadays,” the Linnaeus bust continued, his face pinched into a sneer, “all anyone wants to talk about is being politically correct. Whatever happened to just being correct?” It was unclear whether or not this statement was supposed to be a joke, considering that several of Linnaeus’ “breakthroughs” have proven to be false and/or ineffective. Nevertheless, about half of the audience rolled out of their seats in an ecstasy of laughter and began to beat the floor violently with their fists. 

The eyesore-turned-comic now goes by the stage name of “Mister Truth.” In an interview following the show, he described his style as “…evocative, really just plain old storytelling with a hard dose of facts and logic.” When it was pointed out that his scientific theories had proved invalid, Linnaeus quickly changed the topic to today’s cancel culture.

“People are just too sensitive these days,” Linnaeus said, angrily seething with a bubbling bronze magma that poured out of his mouth. In response to the question of why people found the content of his show funny, he said simply, “Because they want to hear what the real America has to say.” When reminded that he was Swedish, not American, the statue burst into molten tears and lamented that he was only doing this show to impress his dad (who, at the time of this writing, has been dead for over two hundred and seventy years). 

The standup special is available for streaming on Netflix, where it has already been viewed over fifty million times. With that said, we here at The Fourth would recommend a viewing of  Osmosis Jones, a time honored classic that features biological hijinks rather than biological racism.

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